I know what you're thinking...

So it's been a while. O.K. We stopped blogging about the time Max started sleeping. But today is his FIRST BIRTHDAY so we thought it was a good time to fill in a few gaps. (again we marvel at the slippery and flexible nature of time, which with a baby in the house stretches and contracts in ways it never seems to have before, exacerbating this inescapable realization that the older we get, the faster time seems to slip by...at least when things are going well. When things are dark, time slows to a crawl. Weird).

One of the first things to know is that Max, who you may recall had so much trouble eating, now eats like a champ. He has to. He's not only growing, he's just plain a big kid. He's almost 30 pounds at 12 months. He is also a happy boy almost all the time. He crawls now (2 speeds! Cruise and, with head tucked down for aerodynamic efficiency, OVERDRIVE!), and walks around as long as he has something to hold on to. And very recently he has begun taking small risks with his balance, letting go of one thing, then swiveling around to grab something some other object to steady himself.
He also chatters all the time. Although most of his words are unintelligible even to us, he does have some that he clearly associates with specific things, among them ball, Bug, bottle, and Uh-oh (which he actually says pretty clearly). He points and sings and laughs hysterically. He likes balloons, plays peekaboo (in fact, he instigates the game and hides from us, then laughs like crazy when we're surprised that he has reappeared). He goes to daycare three days a week, where he has lots of friends and toys to play with.
In short, Max is pretty fantastic. For our part, we finally get 'enough' sleep, which is to say not as much as we enjoyed a year and a half ago but much more than we were getting when we last posted on this blog. Max is a healthy and happy chatterbox. He sleeps great now, something we never could have imagined in March. In short, nothing is the same in our lives, and although the stresses seem more plentiful, the stress is outpaced by the love Max has brought us. He loves us and we love him and we're so, so happy he's here, and relieved that we've all made it this far.
Also, and I would be remiss if I did not mention this for posterity, Max has the best hair ever. For months now, when he wakes up he often has what we call the Pompahawk, a combination mohawk and pompadour, though the sides look like 70s rock star hair. All blond, and lots of it.


Max at 61/2 months:


In the tub at 7 months:


Minnesota Max at 9 months:


Swingin'at 9 1/2 months:


10 1/2 months:


Going for a ride at 11 months:


It's just food, don't worry:


The First Birthday Cake!


And finally, a bit blurry, but the birthday boy ready for some kitty cat cake:


More later?

Max Kills And Eats Easter Bunny
"Nom," says Max.

In a startling development, Max appears to have tracked, killed, and eaten world-famous psychedelic fairy tale celebrity The Easter Bunny. Mr. The Bunny was busy making his rounds for Easter when he disappeared sometime in the early morning of Easter Sunday. Max "must have jumped him in the middle of the night," said local Maxpert Bug the Cat. Mr. The Bunny has not been heard from since.


The dye is actually a medication for a case of thrush. Let me tell you, that is not something you want if you can help it. Max has recently had a minor return of the thrush, but now seems to be kicking it, and currently has yet another cold, and still somehow he remains happy most of the time and gets funnier and better and bigger every single day. He started singing with me yesterday, stopping when I stopped and starting back up after me. He yells and squawks and grunts and likes to pet the cat (she barely tolerates it). He tries to crawl and tries to say things and sits in his exersaucer thing, rapt with its mirrors and spinning rattles. He can grab stuff reliably and puts everything in his mouth. Spring is happening and we're overdue for some picture updates.

After Easter we met with these characters, Max's cousins Izzi and Xavier:





That was a fun day. And then this last weekend Garn, Max and I went for our first bike ride together, with Max in his bike trailer.



He is very quiet and attentive in it, and only squawks if we stop too long.

And finally before I go to sleep a shot just to show how he looks these days, these amazing days.



Love,
Us

Update video! Enjoy!

We have seen both ends of the spectrum recently. Last weekend we visited a large chunk of Garnette’s family and yesterday had our friends Bender and Shekira over for a visit.

Garnette’s dad turned 85 recently (way to go Floyd!). He and Nettie raised 8 kids of their own and as well had their hands in the raising of countless others. Watching them, and my parents, with Max is humbling, not only for their comfort and ease but for their utter enthusiasm simply to be near him.

At the other end of the spectrum are Bender and Shekira, who are just beginning to get comfortable with the idea of having a kid together. Listening to them reminds me of the many conversations we had trying to get some sense of the reality we would be entering if we had a baby. To them I say that my suspicions have so far been correct: there isn’t a thing you can do to be truly prepared. We spent a long time preparing ourselves, starting with discussing whether or not even to try to have a baby and going right up to Garnette going into labor. Even now we rely heavily on advice from people like G’s sister Kim and her husband Todd, who have talked us through countless freak-outs. But I realize now that although all the things we did to prepare were not and could not possibly have been enough, somehow just the act of preparing was enough.
In fact, I have come to know something that is probably painfully obvious to someone like Floyd or Nettie: that a baby isn’t merely a series of choices. It isn’t rationale or preparation or anything like that, although for us it was a deliberate sharp break from the comfortable existence we had known. To illustrate this I tried to explain to Bender and Shekira the bizarre realization that we have a bottle steamer now. Although this may seem benign, and in spite of the efficacy of such a handy appliance, that we have a bottle steamer at this point in our lives is alien and weird and, from my perspective, nothing short of astonishing. But then, so is having a baby. And yet, somehow, we wouldn’t turn things around if we could, or trade in this life for our old life, not for anything in the world, and I mean that in the strictest sense. You know how they say it just gets better? Turns out they were right.

So I have been taking account of where we are and how we got here. I have been thinking about Floyd and Nettie and my parents and other parents who have been through the fire and arrived in the light, thinking about their ease and wisdom, and more than that their absolute enthusiasm simply to hold Max, an enthusiasm which is too strong to be explained away as the possibility of handing him back if he's wet or crabby. After so many rough experiences with their children, and thinking about our own tribulations with Max and the many more to come, I began to wonder how you get here and stay wrapped up in the wonder of it all without going completely off the rails, because while it’s all happening it is intense and techincolor and exhausting and stressful. What is it that makes this little person more than an amazing experience or a biological wonder?

It isn’t the patience…you have patience some days and others you don’t. Hell, it changes by the hour, but overall you improve. Once you realize you don’t have a choice patience becomes easier. And it isn’t the sacrifice…you end up not minding giving stuff up that you thought was non-negotiable. I can’t really explain that, you just do it and it becomes normal pretty quick. It isn’t the difficulty of things you thought would be horrible, like perhaps diapers or maybe sleeplessness, although there is certainly horror in sleeplessness and sometimes in diapers too. It isn’t the uncertainty of what lies before you. Nine months of pregnancy, labor and birth, and the first three months thereafter will teach you everything you need to know about not spending too much time expecting anything in particular. You quickly learn that no matter what you are going through or just got through, there will be something more to come, some new dizzying high or staggering low to this rollercoaster, and soon. It isn’t even hope, although hope proves necessary to buoy oneself and is itself warm and comforting and lovely.

The thing, the lasting thing, it’s love. It really is that simple. No matter what explanation you’re comfortable with, whether biological, theological, or just logical, the sum of all the parts short circuits every bit of expectation, fear, and pain. Because when that little critter discovers something new, like singing or the cat or the ability to reliably get its thumb to its mouth, you reflect at that moment on all you’ve been through and all the things you and they have yet to see and feel and learn and you're at that instant and forever filled with nothing short of the divine breath of inspiration, a most beautific and indescribable love. And it is wonderful.

All that said, Max is on cold number two and not sleeping much. We’re tired and argue in the middle of the night but are nonetheless floored by happiness every time he smiles. Happy birthday Max, you're 17 weeks old today!

Here Comes The Sun



Max turned 14 weeks old yesterday, and reading the last post I am reminded how far we've come.

First, Max is eating better. His suck is stronger, and he's digesting far better than before. We're still supplementing with formula, but once we finally realized this was going to be the reality, the stress reduced some and allowed us to simply concentrate on making the most of the time he does spend on the breast.

Not only is Max eating better, he's been sleeping better too, getting several hours at a time regularly. Sometimes up to 6 or 7 hours at night. Not all the time, but sometimes. All this has revealed a side we knew was in there but only glimpsed briefly before, Happy Max. He's smiley a lot now. Things are more restful here. Likewise, the SNS (the tube and bottle thing that we used to help teach him to suck better) worked well for what it was but brought its own share of hassle and distraction. Just cleaning it after every use was a pain, plus he found the tubes annoying, and getting them in his mouth was distracting, etc, etc.

So what was the pivotal factor: the probiotics? The nursing thing helping his suck? Turning 3 months old? The mylacon? The visit to the occupational therapist, whose techniques also improved Max's ability to eat? We may never know for sure, but regardless things have come a long way in a short time. As I write this, Max has been asleep for almost 3 hours. By himself. WHAT?! The world is spinning right round. Simple isn't exactly the watchword these days, but things are simpler and we're all enjoying that.

Well, maybe I am speaking too soon. A lot has happened in the last two weeks.

He started daycare. Still not sure this is what we want, but finances say otherwise, and our daycare is great, an older couple who work out of their home, and who have been doing daycare for almost 40 years. They love kids and especially babies, and keep only about 6 or 7 kids at a time, so Max won't be ignored and crying. And anyway, they do not work on fridays so I have fridays off and G got a 4 day week approved also, so she'll stay home with him mondays. Good people, minimal daycare, and they're reasonably priced too. About as good as you could hope for really. But Max is still pretty little (young is a better choice... he's not little at all, today squeezed into a onesie for 6 month olds that he is really too long for). The action and noise kind of freak him out a bit, and he's pretty susceptible to getting sick. The first day when G picked him up, he held it together all day then when he saw her that evening burst into tears.

G started back to work today, and I'm home with the boy because we had another first: his first cold. He's been plugged up, restless, and we spent saturday revisiting the old Max, the one who couldn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time and who cried a lot. That REALLY made us appreciate how far he's come. But he seems to be doing a lot better and has been asleep in his car seat for about an hour now. Second nap today. We have not used the slings in weeks. I remember how excited we were for the sling, and it did in fact save us a lot of trouble, but after a while the slings (we had several) just become albatrosses around our necks. The supplemental feeding thing has run it's course, as have the probiotics. All that was new 2 weeks ago is old news now. Things happen fast with a baby, though they feel like forever.



p/s/ - This is funny. Or unsettling. Max and mom watching TV. Although he doesn't normally watch TV, he is attracted to the sound and motion. In this movie he's particularly into it, which is a bit disturbing to us but considering how distracted by stomach pain he used to be, it's great to see him so focused on something.

Sunday, the 15th. Our St. Valentine's day gift? Max turns 12 weeks old today. 3 months!! He's doing much better. Not sleeping enough, still eating weird, but settling somewhat and growing more interactive and aware every day. You know that part where they tell you it gets better every day? Turns out they were right.

These both have sound, so turn on the speakers. By the way, they are too wide for the embedded screen Youtube allows, so click on the video to start it and then click on it again to open it regular size in a new screen. Enjoy!

First, a sequel:



And then this hardhitting infotainmergazine:

A Day Like Any Other

Yesterday after an uneventful morning, Max did his bid'ness after eating so I tossed him up on the ol' changing table, where he swung his arms and kicked his legs with abandon until Bug was finally annoyed enough to move.
I took off the diaper, cautiously, having learned. He let loose with a squirt of pee, so I tossed the diaper back. Ha ha. I'd outwitted him.
After a pause I checked again. Cease fire. I left the diaper open and reached for the fresh one. A light stream arced up and hit his shirt. I dried his skin and put on the new diaper then changed his shirt. I picked him up in order lay out his NASCAR driving suit and his leg felt wet. I dried off his leg only to discover that now his back felt wet. I cautiously opened the diaper. Squirt. I threw the diaper back and waited. I checked again. Ceasefire. I took the diaper off and reached for one dry on the outside and inside. This time an even higher, more majestic arc, golden in the lamplight, dousing his legs and the changing pad. I let him go. You can't stand in the way of greatness and clearly he was toying with me.

O.K.

I ran him a bath.




Later, he took two naps in the crib, one for less than 30 minutes, the second time -swaddled- for an hour and ten minutes. This sleeping on his own business is a major new development since approximately Friday. He has begun to let us know that the sling isn't the perfect answer every time now, but neither is the crib. We're all trying on new sleeping arrangements and it seems to be working. Sort of.

Jerking awake, he found himself alone and hungry and launched into a full scream for a while. A long while. We let him cry in the crib, our arms, the sling, and tried them all again and finally settled on the sling, where he subsided into a restless sob that tapered off slowly until he finally slept. And slept. Past his dinner time.

It goes in cycles. A few days of happy Max, and then days of this. Finally the gas or the hunger or both wakes him fully, and he is hungry, long overdue. Meals are hard because he is distracted by everything. He eats adequately but cannot quite focus, with that supplement hose always causing trouble. He works hard. So does G. This goes on in bursts all night. Wake eat sleep wake eat sleep. Not every night, but most nights.

This goes on too:






And now the sun is coming up and everyone's asleep but me. Finally. How can you beat that? Goodnight.

I re-read yesterday's post after getting a couple of encouraging emails and felt like maybe I overstated the situation, or our mood. So let me just say how much we appreciate everyone's patience with what it seems to us must appear as nervous whininess. We are fully aware how lucky we are, and that many babies and families face far more daunting challenges. Sleeplessness will make everything seem harder I think.

We are not, however, satisfied with good enough... how can we be when Max lets us know he's in pain? We are new to this and are scrambling to learn what others know already (what did people do before the internet?), not to mention we both count obsessive behavior as a character trait. But there is also in us a certain desperation: we have been blessed with this one amazing child. We have one chance to get it right. It consumes us.

The good news is that Max is almost 3 months old, and he's happy more than not these days. As we figure out more about what he and Garn can and can't eat, he improves bit by bit. At around 4 to 6 months we can likely start some solids, and that will help a lot with vitamin intake and a healthy digestive system. Most of all we're figuring out that parenting is really about weighing pros and cons and picking the best option and realizing that what's right now may change later.

People ask how it's going, and we try to be honest. The alternative is silence. So thank you all so very much for your patience, love and support, your interest and concern for us and for Max. We do know everything will be o.k. It's just that sometimes in the middle of the night it seems darker than it really is.

"I am on sentry and stare into the darkness. My strength is exhausted as always after an attack, and so it is hard for me to be alone with my thoughts. They are not properly thoughts; they are memories which in my weakness turn homeward and strangely move me."
-from All Quiet On The Western Front

Stability?

Why, you must be thinking, has it been so long since the last post? Max turns 10 weeks old today. But Max has continued to be, as we knew and as has been expressed by all the professionals and other parents we share this with, an exceptionally challenging baby. He's very alert, very interactive, and when he feels good, a very happy boy. But he has not been happy most of the time. We have however finally begun to track down some of his issues. We started recording almost everything: how much Max eats, when he ate, how much milk G can produce, everything. And we started asking very pointed questions of the health professionals we've been taking him to see. We discovered two main issues.

1) Max has a lot of stomach acid, making him uncomfortable and unhappy. He's on baby Zantac now and that has helped tremendously. He seldom now just sits and cries for long periods. This has helped his ability to focus. Everything has improved from eating to sleeping. It is tempting to feel guilty about not figuring this out sooner and we've indulged in guilt, along with a lot of other strong emotions. But in the end such selfishness does nothing to help Max so it must be cut loose. Besides, who has the time to figure this stuff out when their baby barely sleeps and cries 70-80% of the time he's awake? Not to mention that it takes multiple conversations with multiple health care professionals and others to arrive at even a theory of what may be happening. This is very frustrating.

2) He has, as we knew, a lazy suck. Some kids apparently simply do not develop the 'natural' technique necessary to remove milk from the breast. After finally seeing a lactation consultant who helped us measure G's output, we are now assured she is producing nearly the amount of food he needs, and could produce more if his suck were effective (though it should be noted NOT enough, which is why we started formula in the first place). So we've purchased a 'system' to help Max learn to suck better. Simple and expensive ($50 for a plastic bottle and hose system that hangs around mom's neck), it rewards good technique with more food. If he sucks well, he gets to eat more. When his suck sucks, he doesn't. It used to be he would simply get frustrated and fussy. Now after one day (about 36 hours), he has improved quite a bit. We still have appointments with an occupational therapist (Max's occupation being eating) and more visits with the lactation consultant but things are looking up. Everything we've read says that not only is breastfeeding good, but that in fact any amount of formula is actually quite hard on a baby, whose underdeveloped body must work very hard to process it. So while his system is taxed trying to process formula he is also not receiving as much as he needs of the multitude of immune system building blocks found in breast milk. Our goal remains to keep him eating only breast milk if possible, while still getting him - and us - some rest. It is unlikely, though, that we can feed him solely breastmilk due to Max's suck, G's flow, and his appetite. The downside specifically is that formula, containing proteins that are harder to break down than those in breastmilk, causes perforations in his intestinal walls, allowing the proteins to leak into his bloodstream, leading to allergies and other problems. In addition, it causes the painful gas that Zantac can't help (since it's for stomach acid). We're more likely going to have to supplement with formula no matter what, so we're looking at probiotic supplements to aid in his digestion. Think of it as Activia yogurt for babies.

This is complicated by other factors however. We're also looking at having to give him some immunizations in preparation for day care when G goes back to work in about 3 weeks. This is sooner than we had wanted to put him through it. Many people report that after the shots their baby cries for up to 24 hours. It breaks our hearts. And in truth we really don't want to have to send him to day care. This would greatly complicate our ability to keep him on breast milk and would simultaneously expose him to illness, but we can't really afford not to have G go back to work. With the added cost of including her and him on BabyDaddy's health care, we just can't swing it unless BabyDaddy takes extra work, which G doesn't want, and which we're not sure I could find anyway in the sinking economy. In many ways he'd do fine we think, but he's probably just not quite ready when we consider how he's eating even now, at 2 1/2 months. He still won't sleep by himself or for very long like many babies. His need for constant contact and his many other troubles continue to make this a marathon for us, and everyone's exhausted. Except Bug the cat, who has been enjoying having us home all the time. She's exceptionally well rested, and really likes the diaper changing pad. She must now be awakened and removed almost every time we have to change Max.

It would unfair to write all this and not mention that overall there has been a lot of improvement. Max laughs and smiles almost every day now. He almost never did before. We have some hard choices to make. Some will be made for us and we'll have to swallow some bitter pills. But Max's issues are improving little by little and he remains one of the best people we know. So life is good.

It has been a while since the last update. Max turned 8 weeks old last sunday! 8 weeks! I guess they all do that. But it feels like a real accomplishment. Max is a really alert baby, and he's interactive and smiles a lot, but he also continues to have issues. Sleep continues to mostly elude us. G hasn't had a stretch of sleep more than 4 hours since he was born. Actually 4 hours is a rare treat; usually she only gets an hour or two at a time. She's getting maybe 5 or 6 hours of sleep every 24 hours. Max is getting only slightly more. I'm getting about as much as Max. Is the problem that he isn't getting enough to eat, so he doesn't sleep well? Or is he not sleeping so then he has trouble eating? Today was his 2 month check up with Dr. Mackey, and she assured us it's some of both. While he has gained weight he hasn't gained as much as she'd like, so it looks like the diet is the egg. Or the chicken. Someone remind me which came first. We'll be going back to supplementing his diet with formula. We're hoping he doesn't give up on the breast, but getting enough to eat is the most important thing. Hopefully this new feeding plan will help that. At least I'll be able to give him a bottle and let G get some sleep.

But that's our obsession, and things are good overall. I did have to ask someone yesterday what month it is. Seriously. Needless to say we have not been focusing our attention on getting pictures taken, but we do have a few. More later. I think.

Oh Max, we love you so much. We will walk you around the house as long as you want, and you can cry as long as you need to. You're the most amazing little guy, and you're so very sweet. When you smile you light everything. I can't say it enough: we love you so, so much.

Socks:


Max and Mommy:


Bright eyes:

This goes out to Sue, who brought a tear to my eye today simply by saying:

"Dylan's birthday today was a great success. We have pictures of Justin sitting on his father's head, grandpa reading stories, and Dylan with his hands in the birthday cake frosting. How can you beat a day like that.
Relax. You too will sleep one day. I hope it may happen soon."

What the hell?! So for having the power now as then to stun me with her wisdom, I send this out to Sue, and to Jeff and Dave and Mary and mom and dad and little babies who smile when you kiss them.

Good evening. This is your Flight Control Captain, Max Corson. Thanks for flying with us today. Our airspeed is just under 7 weeks and we're flying at an altitude of Cloud 9.
I wanted to let you know that we've got a little more turbulence ahead of us, so I've turned on the fasten seat belts sign. We'll be out of it in no time, but until then, please return to your seats and fasten those belts.
Sit back, relax. We'll have you on the ground just as soon as we can.

Crew take your seats.